Life continued

A follow up on some of my other blogs. Alcohol as continually been causing problems in my life. My best friend and I have patched things up but I still don't believe things will ever be the same and I have given second chances to others but as promised a third chance will not be awaiting them. As the water seemed to settle and the sky began to clear, a few others close to me snapped me back into hating alcohol even more. I don't hate people who drink or I would hate myself, but it just makes me worry for them and they make mistakes, some fixable, some permanent and I just don't find it worth it at all. Also, God is seeming non existent in my life once again. I still live by the bible and try to reflect Christ in what I do, but I just don't feel him and find it harder and harder to speak with him. "sigh" OK that's is all the bad, I needed to release it first. On a lighter note I got a job at round table! I'm getting paid minimum wage and deal with grumpy customers daily and I absolutely love it! The people I work with are amazing and I get to use my smile and up beat personality to either make people happy or piss them off. Whatever works. I have my permit test on Thursday (wait long enough?) Lord willing I will pass and then by April (important month?) I will be driving, just in time for college ahahhah I'm such a slacker.

Alcohol

I know that I have had my fair share of drunken nights and spending the whole morning with my head in the toilet. Although waking up sick sucks, I will admit that some of my most fun nights have been while intoxicated. However, I have recently noticed how much alcohol can ruin situation, ruin friendships, and ruin lives. Just recently, two of my most cherished relationships have almost been destroyed because of alcohol. For once I didn't cry, I didn't get angry, I am just completely heart broken. So I have come to the conclusion that the only way I can ever hope the ones I truly love will stop drinking or at least cut back, is for me to be an example. I cannot ask and expect people to change the bad habits that I am doing myself and I cannot ask people to change if I cannot change myself. So I'm making a change and hoping and praying that I can some how in anyway, change someone else.

Sometimes everything back fires

So I have been home from Honduras for about 2 weeks now. I Fell in love with everything about Honduras. The scenery was breath taking, the people were so loving, and the kids I wanted to take them all home. Not to mention my team, "the H team", was everything I could have asked for. We fought every day but in the end love was found behind every corner. All that was needed was a long talk or a rain shower for everyone to get back on good terms. So lets make a list, I found love, peace, beauty, amazing friends, and a whole new appreciation and outlook on life. However, something I did not find was the one thing I went up there to receive, and that was God. Don't get me wrong, there were moments that God was present and I could feel it, but only moments. I expected this trip to make my final push off the fence of undecided and onto the side of fully dedicating my life to God. Since I have returned I have come to find that I am struggling more than when I left. Endless fights with the parents, siblings, and especially my boyfriend. Diving back into old habits and walking away from good friends. In my never ending fear of losing everyone I love, my fear has only seemed to grow as I have returned. And my faith that God has everything under control is almost non existant in my life. This post may be very confusing and make no sense, and if it does, than you know what my brain is like right now. So being confused, lost, frustrated, and scared, the only thing I really want to know is, where do I go from here?

Christians

I know the bible says to "not be unequally yolked" and whether or not it is right to date someone while you are trying to witness to them is not the answer I am looking for. Isnt the important thing that I am trying to save the person in the first place? No matter the amount of time or how the situation looks I do not believe anything gives me a right to give up on a person. Today my parents kicked me out of the house because my boyfriend is not a Christian. However, I tried to explain to them that I was working on witnessing to him and he was showing progress. My father (who is a pastor) did not want to hear of it. He said that I should leave the "loser" alone and that he is not going to be saved. That I should give up. I might be wrong, but isnt that completely going against what God teaches? He doesn't say to witness to someone for a period of time then give up...he says to plant the seed and pray about it. Faith is nothing without works...so how am I supposed to believe I will save him if I don't work at it? I'm not trying to justify what I did or prove my dad wrong, but it makes no sense to me.

Getting out of here

I have always wanted to travel. For some reason it has always interested me, and it might have to do with the fact I HATE Mission Viejo. On August first I am leaving for 2 weeks to go to Honduras. I have never been on a plane or really gone anywhere. Now that it is actually happening, that I am starting my dream to travel I am so nervous. Also, I am not just going there for vacation where my worries go away. I am expected to help hundreds of kids. Some already know Christ and some don't. Regardless of there faith, I have expectations of me that I am not sure if I can reach. I am so excited and so nervous at the same time that I am not sure what to feel anymore. My team that is going up there with me are absolutely amazing people. I met the rest of our team last night and I love them! Please keep me and my team in your thoughts and prayers as we begin to embark on this journey.

"friends"

People go there whole lives with their "best friends" and people they count on for everything. I have a question for you... what do the people do who do not have many friends? Are they left to count on no one? Are they just doomed to face all their problems and struggles alone? Coming from personal experience, I can speak from that side of the fence. I do not have many friends (especially girls) and I find people constantly walking in and out of my life. I am finding myself being the outcast most of the time and being glared at and left out. Sure, sometimes it gets too much to handle, sometimes I get discouraged, but I have come to realize that having a group of people you can count on is not something one needs, it is a very large want. As I have watched faces blur by my life, there are a few I have found to stay by my side. You do not need a large amount of people to come over and cry with you when you have had a bad day. Some times all it takes is one. One person to lend a listening ear and have some concern for your thoughts and feelings. I need to accept the fact that I am not the kind of person to have groups of people call me every weekend to hang out, that I have a few close friends that I would give my life for, and for me, that is finally enough.