Sometimes everything back fires

So I have been home from Honduras for about 2 weeks now. I Fell in love with everything about Honduras. The scenery was breath taking, the people were so loving, and the kids I wanted to take them all home. Not to mention my team, "the H team", was everything I could have asked for. We fought every day but in the end love was found behind every corner. All that was needed was a long talk or a rain shower for everyone to get back on good terms. So lets make a list, I found love, peace, beauty, amazing friends, and a whole new appreciation and outlook on life. However, something I did not find was the one thing I went up there to receive, and that was God. Don't get me wrong, there were moments that God was present and I could feel it, but only moments. I expected this trip to make my final push off the fence of undecided and onto the side of fully dedicating my life to God. Since I have returned I have come to find that I am struggling more than when I left. Endless fights with the parents, siblings, and especially my boyfriend. Diving back into old habits and walking away from good friends. In my never ending fear of losing everyone I love, my fear has only seemed to grow as I have returned. And my faith that God has everything under control is almost non existant in my life. This post may be very confusing and make no sense, and if it does, than you know what my brain is like right now. So being confused, lost, frustrated, and scared, the only thing I really want to know is, where do I go from here?